The Lord and Lady of Darkness, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, took the reins of Raw. They made a huge Triple Threat match that featured John Cena, Chris Jericho and Big Show.
This Week's Episode: Ozzfest, WWE Style
Justin Roberts introduced the Osbournes to the shrieking guitar of the late, great Randy Rhoads (no relation to Cody) and the song Crazy Train. The ring was filled with smoke. Ozzy was sitting in an old fashioned throne with his lovely lady at his side. Ozzy looked great and Sharon was just pretty. Their daughter, Kelly, was over on ABC at Dancing With The Stars. Ozzy cut loose with his trademark laugh as the crowd exploded. Sharon talked about Ozzy being at Wrestlemania 2 and other appearances in the WWE. There was a great clip with Ozzy, Cyndi Lauper and Lou Albano. Ozzy had no memory of his past WWE appearances.
The Miz strolled from the back to interrupt the Prince of Darkness and his Princess. Miz mocked Sharon, who called him a "little boy". Miz claimed to be a bigger star than all the Osbournes. Sharon really worked it well. Miz whined about losing to Evan Bourne, last week. Miz wanted the match decision reversed. Ozzy wanted to know "who the bloody Hell are you?" As Miz started to do his "I'm Awesome" catchphrase, Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes walked from the back. Cody told Miz that he was being petty about his loss, last week. Cody started to grumble about Randy Orton's NASCAR getting destroyed by Kofi Kingston, last week. Ted said that he paid for most of it. Ted and Cody wanted to face Kofi in a Handicap Match.
Before Ozzy or Sharon could deal with either issue, Big Show strolled from the back. Ozzy was impressed by Show's size. Show told Ozzy and Sharon to ignore everyone else. Show was whining about being attacked by the entire Raw locker room. He wanted an apology, which Ozzy gave him. Show showed his fist to Ozzy to illustrated what the Raw roster would get if he didn't get his apology. Ozzy did his trademark "Sharon!" yell. Too funny.
Shawn Michaels and Triple H then joined the party. HHH said that they would come out and save the first segment from the rating killers. HHH pushed Ozzy's new book, and their own (of course). HHH said it was time to take care of things, Blizzard of Ozzy style. Miz was given a rematch against Evan Brawn for the US title. Shawn pushed the sale of Wrestlemania tickets, which go on sale Saturday. Sharon said Kofi would face Randy Orton! Show said he wanted to see Shawn v HHH v John Cena in a Triple Threat match. Ozzy said there would be a Triple Threat Match with John Cena v Chris Jericho v Big Show. Show wasn't real happy. Sharon did the "Two Words" gimmick. She's great. HHH, Shawn and Ozzy struck a pose, together!
The WWE Rewind dealt with Miz and Evan Bourne, from last week. Jack Swagger distracted Miz, leading to a count-out win for Evan.
The opening match was for the United States title. Miz was still in the ring from Segment One. Evan Bourne then arrived to a decent pop.
The Miz v Evan Bourne
United States Championship Match
Highlights:
Miz kicked Evan in the ribs to open the match. He followed it up with a Kneelift and several kicks. Miz choked Evan on the ropes with his knee. Evan tried to kick at Miz but the former reality start stomped away. Miz sent Evan to the ropes. Evan tried for a Hip Toss but Miz blocked it and went to Hip Toss Evan over the ropes. Evan used the ropes to nail a Hurancanrana. Evan hit a Jumping Heel Kick to send Miz to the outside. Evan hit the Evan Sent over the top rope. The two got back in the ring and Evan kicked away. Miz reversed an Irish Whip and hit a Running Knee to Miz's ribs. Miz lifted Evan and dropped him over the top rope. Miz then kicked away and slapped on a Seated Abdominal Stretch.
Miz went for a Pumphandle Slam but Evan shifted his weight and Crossbodied Miz. Miz lifted Evan for a Suplex but Evan Kneed him in the head. Evan with the Pass-Through School Boy for a two. Evan nailed a Jumping Knee Strike to Miz's face. Miz tumbled into the corner. Miz dodged a charge from Evan but didn't get out of the way of a Leaping Enziguri off the ropes. Miz with a Jawbreaker. Miz went for the Full Body Clothesline but Evan got the boot up. Evan tried for Air Bourne but Miz rolled out of the way and Evan landed on his feet. Miz Hip Tossed Evan into the corner! Miz finished him off with the Skull Crushing Finale.
Your Winner: The Miz
Grade: B+
Josh Mathews interviewed Sheamus. Josh wanted to know Sheamus wanted to impress Ozzy. Sheamus felt Ozzy's career should have been over, long ago. He also said that Jamie Noble's career would be over, tonight. Sheamus then waltzed to the ring. Jamie was waiting for him
Sheamus v Jamie Noble
Highlights:
Sheamus with a Clothesline. Sheamus Power Whipped Jamie to the corner and dropped repeated knees to Jamie's back. Jamie went to the floor and Sheamus went after him. Sheamus ran Jamie into the ring post and then threw him back in the ring. Sheamus with a Running Clothesline to the back of the head. Sheamus stomped and kicked at Jamie. Sheamus tore at Jamie's face until the ref called him off. Sheamus Elbow Smashed Jamie's face and then hit several Kneelifts.. Sheamus then blasted Jamie with the Uranage Backbreaker. Sheamus finished things off with the Celtic Kick, but refused to take the pin. Sheamus threw Jamie in the corner and punched and kicked away. The ref kept having to pull Sheamus back. The ref checked on Jamie, who could not respond. The ref called the match. Sheamus set Jamie on the top rope and nailed a second Celtic Kick to send Jamie out to the floor. Sheamus then went out and Powerbombed Jamie on the floor. Why the ref didn't reverse the decision is beyond me.
Your Winner: Sheamus
Grade: C
They brought out a stretcher to cart out Jamie. Welcome to retirement? Sheamus grinned at the carnage he caused.
Michael Cole and Jerry "The King" Lawler talked about Jamie Noble's condition. They then looked at last week's issues with Randy Orton and Kofi Kingston. Orton attacked Kofi and threw him off the stage. Kofi came back to destroy Randy's fancy new race car. Kofi walked backstage and ran into Josh Mathews. Josh wanted to know if Kofi had regrets for his actions. Kofi said he wouldn't be bullied by Randy Orton, or anyone else. Kofi said he left the mirror on the car so Randy could see what he was. Kofi said he had absolutely no regrets for his actions, last week. He would face Randy, next.
Randy came out to face Kofi. The crowd was major league hostile to The Viper. Cole talked about how angry Orton has been recently. Kofi, the Piranha from Ghana, bounced out for the match.
Kofi Kingston v Randy Orton
Highlights:
Orton and Kofi got into a slap fight. The two kicked at each other. Orton pounded on Kofi in the corner. Orton punched Kofi in the face, a couple of times. Kofi ducked the third try and hit a European Uppercut and nailed a La Bandera Clothesline to send Orton to the floor. Kofi went out and attacked Orton, throwing him back into the ring. Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes rushed down to the ring to aid their leader. Kofi ducked a charging Orton to have him fly over the ropes and land on Ted and Cody. Kofi with a Suicide Dive to take out all three. The three members of Legacy surrounded the ring.
Your Winner: No Contest
Grade: D
Ozzy and Sharon came on the Tron and said they expected this to happen. Ozzy then made a six-man match. Orton, Rhodes and DiBiase v Kofi...Mark Henry and ! Raw went to break before the battle began.
Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry and MVP v Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase Jr. and Cody Rhodes
Six Man Tag Match
Highlights:
Ted had Kofi in a grinding Headlock as the show returned. Kofi got free and took down all three members of Legacy with individual Hip Tosses. Kofi nailed a Side Russian Leg Sweep on Ted. Kofi tagged in MVP and they worked together to hit a Boom Drop and Ballin' on Ted, at the same time. Ted barely kicked out of the pin. Mark Henry then tagged in and hit a ginormous Headbutt on Ted. Mark Irish Whipped Ted to the ropes. Ted ducked the Clothesline on the rebound and Dropkicked Mark's tree trunk thigh.
Cody tagged in and they double teamed Mark. Mark wasn't having any part of it and hit a Double Clothesline on both of his foes. Mark Power Whipped Cody to the corner and tagged out to MVP. MVP went for his Running Boot, only to catch a boot from Cody. MVP blocked a pair of Suplexes so Cody tagged out Ted. MVP went for a Suplex of his own but Ted smashed MVP in the ribs. They sent MVP into the corner and Ted nailed a Side Russian Leg Sweep. Orton then tagged in and threw a straight right into the face of MVP. Ted and Cody double teamed MVP when the ref pulled Orton back. Ted took the tag and waited for Orton to finish stomping on MVP. Ted with a kick to MVP's face. Cody begged for a tag. He stomped on MVP and then did the Flair Kneedrop and slapped on a modified Rear Chin Lock.
MVP began to fight back but got sent to the mat with a Dropkick. Randy took the tag as Cody prevented MVP from tagging out. Randy hit a great Dropkick. MVP fought out of the enemy corner but Randy kicked MVP in the ribs and hit a Drop Toe Hold. Randy tried for a Flying Kneedrop but MVP moved. Randy tried for a second Flying Kneedrop and connected. MVP kicked out of the pin attempt at two. Randy nailed a series of Crossfaces on a seated MVP. Randy locked in a Rear Chin Lock.
MVP fought to his feet and Elbowed free. MVP reversed an Irish Whip but Orton kicked MVP in the face. MVP rebounded with a Clothesline. MVP went for a tag to Kofi but Orton hit a Cheap Shot to knock Kofi off the apron. Orton then dragged MVP to the enemy corner and tagged out to Ted. MVP launched Ted with the Double Underhook, Overhead Throw. Mark and Cody both tagged in and Mark dropped Cody with a brutal Clothesline. Mark then went over and clubbed Ted off the apron. Mark turned and Clotheslined Cody, again. Mark Headbutted Cody, who stumbled to the corner. Mark pancaked Cody with a Running Splash and then lifted him for a Running Powerslam. He didn't get to do it, thanks to a run-in by Orton. Orton tried to nail the R-K-O but Kofi came in and Dropkicked Orton out of the ring. Cody flew off the middle ropes, right into the arms of Mark Henry. Mark iced the cake with the World's Strongest Slam!
Your Winners: Mark Henry, MVP and Kofi Kingston
Grade: B+
Kofi taunted Orton, who seethed at ringside. Cole and Lawler then pushed the main event of Cena v JeriShow. Sharon and Ozzy would be back to do Raw's Got Talent. Brace yourselves for the insanity.
Lawler was in the ring to kick off the silliness. Ozzy and Sharon were seated at a desk. Three Raw superstars were going to come out and show off their talent. Sharon and Ozzy were joined by The Great Khali and Ranjin Singh. Khali looked really sharp in his suit. Khali's still limped a bit from his recent knee surgery. The crowd loved the big Indian. Khali kissed Sharon's hand after entering the ring. Khali barely fit in the chair. Khali said he had a large crush on Kelly Osbourne (don't we all?). Sharon said she would love to have Khali as a son-in-law.
Lawler brought out Santino Marella to sing Bark at the Moon. Ah, takes me back to my teen-age days with my old band, Phoenyx. Santino came out dressed like Ozzy. Santino said he would not sing the song, because he was not a dog. He told them that Ozzy and Harriet were really popular in Italy. Santino said his talent would be biting the head off a bat--man. He produced a Batman action figure as Sharon screamed "No, no no!" Sharon yelled "Rubbish" as the buzzer sounded.
Next up, Chris Masters wanted to do a performance piece to Crazy Train. It was one of the funniest darn things I've ever seen as he flexed his pecs to the music. My wife, Dianna, teased me with a "How come you can't do that?" Ozzy just about fell out of his chair laughing, as did I. Sharon loved it. Khali buzzed Chris.
Chavo Guerrero and Jillian came out to sing a duet. Oh, please. They did Close My Eyes, Forever. I was thinking Close my EARS Forever. Jillian got a huge boo as she caterwauled. Chavo was only slightly better. Neither of them could carry a tune in a bucket.Ozzy echoed my thoughts by saying he would call it "Close my ears forever". Jillian and Chavo walked to the ring as Sharon tore into Jillian. Jillian tried, badly, to sing Brittany Spears. Sharon slapped the taste out of Jillian's mouth as the crowd erupted. Chavo told Ozzy to control his wife. Ozzy said you should try, he couldn't. Chavo got in Sharon's face. Khali stood up and looked down at Chavo. Khali hit the Karate Chop to Chavo's skull. Hornswoggle then ran down, dressed as Jack Osbourne. He hit a Splash on Chavo. Sharon loved it. Ozzy and Sharon had a lot of run with the little man. Hornswoggle even kissed Sharon's hand.
Backstage, Kelly Kelly and The Bella Twins walked towards the entrance way for a Diva Battle Royal.
Alicia Fox v Kelly Kelly v Eve v Gail Kim v Brie Bella v Nikki Bella
Diva Battle Royal to earn the Number One Contender position for the Divas Championship
Highlights:
All six women went to town on each other. Kelly and Fox rolled around on the floor. Kelly tried to shove Fox under the bottom rope. Gail hit the Necktie Neckbreaker on one Bella. The other Bella jumped Gail. Melina watched the match in the back. Gail was eliminated by Kelly Kelly, who actually wanted to get rid of one of the Bellas. Kelly got distracted by her mistake. Gail gave her a Go to Hell look as Jack Swagger sauntered to the ringside area.
Eve eliminated both Bellas in short order. Fox jumped Eve and threw her out. Kelly lifted Fox to throw her out. Fox grabbed the rope to prevent it. Kelly tore into Fox with fists and caught Fox with the Muta Backspring Elbow. Fox hoisted Kelly up and over the ropes to take the win and earn a shot at the Divas title.
Your Winner: Alicia Fox
Grade: D (for dull)
Fox danced in the ring as the crowd booed her. Melina wasn't impressed with Fox. Lawler and Cole talked, again, about Jamie Noble's condition. They said that Noble suffered serious back and neck injuries from the Powerbomb on the floor. Cole and Lawler did a highlight reel of the show, so far.
Lawler and Cole then talked about the situation between Batista and Rey Mysterio. Their friendship broke down after the Fatal Four Way at Bragging Rights. Batista feels that Rey stabbed him in the back. He tore into Rey and tried to rip Rey's head off. He came close. On Smackdown, Rey confronted Batista. Batista told him to leave his ring but Rey wouldn't go. Rey tried to bring up Eddie Guerrero but Batista shot him down with an "Eddie's dead" comment. Batista tried to intimidate Rey, but the little man wouldn't back down. Batista said he was now thinking about himself.
Ozzy and Sharon were in the back when Chris Jericho walked up. Jericho talked about the Osbournes making a mockery of Raw. Jericho said he had talent, thanks to Ozzy. He said Ozzy was his idol. He said he wanted to be just like Ozzy until he realized he didn't need fans. He said he was better than the fans and Ozzy. Sharon wasn't impressed. Ozzy wanted to know who the heck that was. Sharon didn't know.
D-X talked with Hornswoggle about not doing the D-X thing. Shawn said Hornswoggle would be in big trouble if he did it again. John Cena walked in and did a great take on the film Johnny Dangerously when he said "my uncle hung a leprechaun on a hook once...once. Cena said Hornswoggle was responsible for the Triple Threat match at Survivor Series. HHH said he wasn't sweating it because he beat Cena, last week. It led to a "we beat each other, all the time". The Bellas grinned as Cena said "That didn't come out right". Shawn said that he took physics (without having to take algebra) and he understood that D-X had a mathematical advantage in the battle. Cena said that D-X could end up fighting each other. Cena said he had Four Words for ya...The Champ is Here! Cena walked off as Shawn grumbled about everyone stealing their stuff.
TheWWE Slam of the Week featured Big Show v HHH. Show got the stuffing kicked out of him by the entire Raw locker room. D-X sealed the deal with Sweet Chin Music into a Pedigree.
D-X was at ringside for the main event. HHH was having some fun with the headset. John Cena came out to the ring as HHH and Shawn mentioned people yelling in their ears. Cena noticed Shawn and HHH at ringside. Chris Jericho then came out to face Cena. Big Show had a separate entrance. Big Show and Jericho will face Undertaker for his World title at Survivor Series.
John Cena v Chris Jericho v Big Show
Triple Threat Non-Title Match
Highlights:
Big Show was on the floor, with Cena on his shoulder, as Raw returned from commercial. Show ended up shoved into the ringpost by Cena. Cena slid back in the ring and Irish Whipped Jericho to the corner. Cena with a Fisherman's Buster on Jericho. Jericho reversed an Irish Whip and Show reached under the ropes, from the floor, to trip Cena. Show dragged Cena to the floor and kicked away at him. Show threw Cena into the barrier. Show rolled Cena into the ring and Jericho tried to take the pin. Show reached in and pushed Jericho off Cena.
JeriShow started to have issues, until Jericho refocused them on their common foe, Cena. The two took turns kicked at Cena's ribs. Show hit a huge Suplex. Jericho then kicked away. Shawn said he was the Robin to HHH's Batman. Jericho punched away at Cena's head. Jericho held Cena so Show could hit a Knife Edge Chop. JeriShow shared the beatdown duties on Cena. Jericho hit a Belly to Back Suplex. Jericho bit Cena's head in the corner. JeriShow Double Whipped Cena to the corner.
Show whipped Jericho into Cena's ribs. Show went for his Running Back Splash but Cena moved. Cena punched away at Jericho and Hip Tossed him off the Irish Whip. Cena nailed the Running Face Plant as D-X oohed and awed. Show Speared Cena. Jericho nailed the Lionsault but Show prevented the pin. Jericho shoved and slapped Show. Show Goozled Jericho and tossed him over the top rope. Cena came after Show with punches to the tag champ's ample midsection. Show went for the Chokeslam but Cena slipped free. Cena lifted Show for the Attitude Adjustment but Show leaned forward and drove Cena's face to the mat. Show climbed the ropes for the Avalanche Splash but took too long. Cena rolled towards the corner to avoid it. Cena got his boots up to Show's face. Cena Speared Cena out of the ring. Cena caught Jericho with the Double Flying Shoulders into the Proto-Bomb. Cena nailed the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena lifted Jericho into the Fireman's Carry but got too close to the ropes. Show reached into and clocked Cena in the face. He collapsed and Jericho landed on top of him. Jericho got the win.
Your Winner: Chris Jericho
Grade: A-
Jericho locked in the Walls of Jericho and the Colossal Clutch. D-X rushed in to save Cena. Shawn got knocked out but Show's fist. Jericho then hit the Code Breaker on HHH. Cena, HHH and Shawn were all laid out in the middle of the ring. Show called for the tag belts. Could there be a JeriShow v D-X for the Unified Tag Belts in the near future? I'd rather see that match at Survivor Series than the current two main events.
Peace
Jay Shannon
Jade89512@yahoo.com
