ASKOUNES AND MEIER WONDER WHIC
By: Michael Askounes
11/21/2003 12:53:00 AM
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A Suplex
in Every Pot: A Look at Wrestlers
as Politicians.
by Jason Meier
co-written by Michael Askounes
In California, actors
do it. In Italy, porn stars do it.
In Washington DC, crack addicts do it.
What am I talking about? No…
not serve hard time in the pen, silly. I’m
talking about running for public office!
So recently the
question was posed by one Jason Meier on our always-friendly Yahoo Group
(available only to Premium Members), what if a wrestler was given the
opportunity to run for elected office. Look
at Jesse Ventura – on one Election Day, thousands of Minnesota voters
simultaneously thought it would be funny to vote for “The Body”.
Little did they know
that there were many other Minnesotans with bizarre senses of humor, and the big
lug actually ended up winning!
So we thought we’d
take a look at a few wrestlers, and what we could expect of them should they
ever decide to run for public office. Here’s
the candidates we’ve nominated, and how we think things could turn out.
RAVEN:
Mike
Askounes says:
Raven's
promos used to be somewhat intelligent, but now he sounds like a mix between
Yoda, Vincent Price, and Joe Frazier. It’s
as if he randomly picks words out of a “How to be a Goth” handbook, and just
pieces them together in a series of incoherent sentences (something our own Buck
Woodward spoke about on last night’s “Pro Wrestling
Insider”). In this regards,
he’d actually be about as coherent as our current president.
So,
I’d imagine if he got in from of a podium as governor or something, he’d
probably say something like this:
"The
excruciating pain of deficit has caused squalor and famine amongst the lost
souls of this wasted land. We must look towards our inner demons and embrace
despair if we are to
achieve a oneness with the
void that surrounds all our hopes and dreams.
There is no try, only do. Quoth
the Raven, Nevermore"
Besides, how
much ass would that kick if in the middle of a debate, Raven just walked over to
George W. Bush and hit the Evenflow DDT.
Jason Meier adds:
I
see him as bringing an air of intelligence to Washington, DC wich is
"lacking" (Remember, Scott "Raven" Levy has an IQ of about
140). He would make a great Senator because he would make brilliant speeches
like: "Washington DC is a cesspool of the malcontent, and the people have
sent me here to enlighten you stuffy politicians. I am a REAL man of the people,
unlike you who are only loyal to those who stuff your pockets full of green.
While you sit and bicker over $87 Billion for Iraq & Afghanistan, people are
living in poverty unable to find work, living on the street scouring garbage
cans for food, while you all praise the MOAB (Mother of all Bombs).
$87
Billion could go to all the states to fix education, fix health care, etc. The
people have sent me here to do them right, so they can sleep easily at night.
For your constituents, you could do so much more, QUOTE THE RAVEN, NEVERMORE
!" If Raven weren't a Congressman, he should be hired as a
speechwriter, so he could convey to the people real ideas in intelligent
language, not political double-speak. Those who don't see eye-to-eye with him,
get to feel the Raven Effect, and they will fall in line.
RIC
FLAIR:
Jason
Meier says:
Governor
of North Carolina for sure. Politcal rallies would be huge with "WHOOOOOOOOO!"
as his rallying cry. Campaign slogan: "Vote for Flair and be a jet flyin',
limousine ridin', wheelin dealin, kiss takin', vote grabbin', money in
your pockets son of a gun!"
He
would have Arn Anderson as his Lt. Governor/Enforcer, Tully Blanchard as the
majority leader in the state Senate, Ole Anderson (or Barry Windham
depending on which version of the Horseman you prefer) as majority leader in the
state House and his campaign manager and chief of staff, none other that James
J. Dillon. And the governor's mansion would become "Space Mountain”!
Would be voted Most popular governor, except in Maryland where he would
have to face "Rowdy" Robert Erich !
Mike
Askounes adds:
I
support Ric Flair only if he pledged to arrive at all official functions to the
sounds of "Also Spake Zarathustra" and wearing a sparkling robe. How
cool would THAT be?! Woooo!
TRIPLE
H:
Mike
Askounes says:
Trips
would most likely only run for President – the “top” of the political
card. Also, I’d imagine that if
we ever did capture Osama Bin Laden, HHH would insist that he be flown to
Afghanistan so he could deliver the pedigree and get the pin.
Keep in mind we’d have to live with Stephanie McMahon as first lady…
I guess she could write a book called “It Takes a Village to Carry My
Brassieres” or something.
Jason
Meier adds:
Would
make the perfect (no offense to Curt Hennig) president, just sit around
during cabinet meetings, have them do all the work and take all the credit.
And we would have Stephanie’s Boobs in the White House which is not a bad
thing, it's a good thing! And, like Mike, I’m sure he would insist on
going to Iraq because he wants to go over on Saddam with the pedigree and
take credit for his capture.
DUSTY RHODES:
Jason
Meier says:
Would
be on national political stage, sweeping the Southern vote and be "The REAL
American Dream". Campaigning slogan: "Ten Chickens in every pot" And
I want to see him give the bionic elbow to Vladimar Putin to knock some sense
into him.
Mike
Askounes adds:
My
first live wrestling match as a kid was Dusty Rhodes vs. Billy Graham in a Texas
Cage match with Gorilla Monsoon as the special ref.
You just don’t get any cooler than that.
So based on my nostalgia for him, and the fact that he has the coolest
accent this side of Pepe L’Pew, I'd vote for him. Plus, in addition to Vladmir
Putin, I'd love to see him give the Bionic Elbow to that Jacques Chirac.
KANE:
Mike
Askounes says:
I think a lot less countries would screw with the U.S. if our president could be
immersed in a dumpster of fire one week, and than come back to have dinner in a
nice restaurant the next week. I’m
convinced that if he entered any sort of talks with the North Koreans with his
pyro and ring entrance, North Korea would become the 51st star on our flag
faster than you could say “egg roll.” He
could even appoint Jim Ross as the Secretary of State so that while Kane is
burying our enemies, J.R. could yell, “Slam him into the DEPTHS OF HELL!!!
THE FIERY DEPTHS OF HELL!!!”
He'd
have to bring back the mask gimmick though. That way there could be multiple
Kanes (just like in real life) dictating foreign policy in multiple locations.
Jason
Meier adds:
I
think he would make a great Majority Leader in Congress because he would be
forceful enough to get his party's agenda pushed through. Those who don't vote
in favor of his ideas of course would be chokeslammed. Personally, I'd like to
see Tom Daschle (Minority Senate Leader) vs. Bill Frist (Majority Senate
Leader) in a falls-count anywhere in the Capitol Building match with Tom Brokaw
as guest referee.
BOOKER T:
Jason
Meier says:
So
what if he's a criminal, it's not like that's a hindrance to be a politician
(Richard Nixon, Spiro Agnew, Marvin Mandell, the latter two former governors of
Maryland, the home state of me & Mike). Most of politics is criminal anyway,
corrupt elections, illegal campaign financing, etc. Would pop big time for
"I'm a five-term, five-term, five-term, five-term, five-term Representative
from Houston!"
Mike
Askounes says:
I
think it’s about time that America had a president that wears dreads and owns
a hip-hop store. And you know
you’d get a big time “Presidential Spinaroonie” during his acceptance
speech.
But
the sole reason this guy gets my vote is because I'd MARK OUT BIG TIME if he
ended his State of the Union - "Now can you dig that... SUCKAAAAS!"
So that’s it for the rundown of our first list
of Presidential candidates from the world of wrestling.
Frankly, I think they’d have an easy time adapting to political power
because this world gets so crazy sometimes you’d swear that the RAW writing
team was booking the planet.
If you’ve got any comments, or would like to
suggest any other wrestling politicos, feel free to send them to me – your
humble and starved for attention servant – at askounes@yahoo.com.
And thanks again to Jason Meier for coming up
with such a fun idea for a column. At
least I think it is… I hope you all enjoyed it as well!
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