Posted May 7th, 2013 by jshannon

Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman made a visit to WWE Headquarters. HHH wasn’t there, so they left him a message. Plus, John Cena got in Ryback’s face, as did Kane.

After the flashback segment that always opens Raw, John Cena made his way to the ring. Cena actually got an almost unanimous positive response from the crowd. The announcers talked about Cena’s Achilles Tendon injury and how it may play into the match against Ryback, at Extreme Rules. Cena noticed there was unrest in the WWE Universe. Cena wanted to answer some questions. Cena admitted that performing, last week, was not a good idea. He would, however, face Ryback at Extreme Rules. Cena said Ryback was ready to do the Fandango and no he wasn’t with Betty White. Cena said, as long as he is medically cleared, he will get in the ring and do his best. Cena said he wasn’t at 100% but that would not stop him from defending the WWE title.

Vickie Guerrero interrupted Cena with her screeching “Excuse Me!” catchphrase. Vickie was happy that Cena would be at Extreme Rules. Vickie talked about some of the other matches at Extreme Rules. Vickie wanted the WWE Title Match to be extreme, as well. Vickie wanted input from both participants in the title match, so she brought Ryback to the ring.

Vickie asked Cena what kind of match he wanted. Cena said Ryback will run out of the building like a screaming little girl. Cena mocked Ryback for his constant whining. Cena said he didn’t care what kind of match it was, as long as it wasn’t a “Vickie Guerrero’s Granny Panties on a Pole Match”. Cena just waned to shut up Ryback’s whining. Vickie wasn’t happy that Ryback took off, last week. Vickie allowed Ryback to choose the stipulation. Ryback decided to make it a “Last Man Standing” battle. (hmmm…where did they hide that Duct Tape?) Ryback said Cena’s ego and confidence were his downfall.

The announcers pushed the Lesnar Invasion storyline. There will be more on that, all through the night. There were pictures of Brock and Lesnar in the lobby.

Randy Orton walked, backstage. Orton is looking for revenge, next.

Randy Orton vs Damien Sandow

Big Show cost Randy a match against Sandow, on last week’s Smackdown. Sandow sang horribly. JBL thought Sandow’s singing was awesome. Orton opened up on Sandow with Knees and clubbing blows. Sandow tried to escape by hitting the floor. Orton hit the floor and then hit Sandow, who hit the floor. Orton threw Sandow back in but Sandow bailed out the other side. Orton slammed Sandow’s head into the barrier and apron, several times. Orton wanted a Apron Assisted DDT but Sandow fought out.

Back in the ring, Orton connected with the Twisted Stister Backbreaker. Corner Mount Punches by Orton. Orotn pulled Sandow out of the corner and stomped away. Sandow began to fight back with the Clothesline Knee Combo Suplex by Orton. Orton Stomp. JBL acknowledged it as the “Garvin Stomp”. Glad I’m not the only one who recognizes it. Raw took a quick break.

Sandow with a Rear Chin Lock, as the show returned. Orton pushed up to his feet. Knee Strikes by Sandow into the Side Russian Leg Sweep. Elbow of Distain to Orton’s chest. 2 count. Rear Chin Lock reapplied by Orton. Orton punched his way free and then exploded with Clotheslines. Snap Powerslam by The Viper. Back Elbow by Sandow. Sandow jumped off the ropes and took a Dropkick to the chest. Rope Assisted DDT! RKO! Done and done.

Your Winner: Randy Orton
Raw Ranking: 3.0

As Orton reached the top of the stage, Big Show blind sided Orton. Show knelt over Orton and took in the jeers of the crowd. On the replay, it showed Big Show nailing the KO Punch.

Chris Jericho’s music and explosions went off. Jericho was in street clothes, other than that spiffy lighted jacket. Raw flashed back to England, where Jericho danced with Summer Rae. Jericho took the stick and welcomed everyone to “Raw is Jericho!”. Jericho called Fandango “Fan-Dumbo” and a few other names. Jericho decided to set up a judges’ panel to evaluate and critique Fanny. Jericho brought out his partners, Brodus Clay and Sweet T(ensai). The Funkadactuls bopped down the ramp.

Fandango vs R-Truth

Fandango has a new brunette dancing partner. Not sure if she’s the same girl that he started with. The Crowd were dancing all around the arena. The crowd started singing the theme music. Fanny stared daggers at the judging panel. Fandango wanted to know who “Christopher” was to judge him. He brought up that Jericho failed on Dancing with the Stars. The judges enjoyed Truth’s entrance.

Fandango with hard Knee Strikes to open the bout. Cravat by Fanny. Truth tried to fight out but got clubbed. Leg Lariat by Truth into a Clothesline and Back Elbow. Front Drop Suplex by Truth. Truth with the Shimmy and hit the Ax Kick. Fandango bailed out as Truth danced. Truth got 2 “10s” and a “42”. Fandango wlaked off and took the count out loss.

Your Winner: R-Truth
Raw Ranking: 1.0

The announcers had more to say about the “Invasion” of WWE HQ. They are really going to stretch this one out, all night long. Sigh.

Triple H talked about the Susan G Komen charity. It was part of a Mother’s Day campaign. I have walked in the annual marathon, in the past. My own mother is a Breast Cancer survivor, so this charity is near and dear to my heart. Komen.org/wwe is where fans can go to help.

The announcers showed how Daniel Bryan lost to Ryback and was then attacked by The Shield, in the back. Josh Mathews asked Daniel Bryan how he was feeling. He said he was fine. Daniel said it takes more than an ambush to keep him down. Daniel went to challenge Ryback to a rematch. Ryback walked up and refused to fight an unhealthy man. Ryback said Daniel was half the man that he is. Kane then got in Ryback’s face. Ryback said Kane wasn’t the monster that he used to be. “Ryback Rules!”

Alberto Del Rio vs Dolph Ziggler
Non-Title Match

Raw flashed back to Smackdown. During a Triple Team match, Swagger took out Big E Langston. Del Rio trapped Dolph in the Cross Armbreaker and forced a Tap Out.

The bell rang and the two men danced around before going into the Collar and Elbow. Side Headlock Takeover by Del Rio. Push Off by Dolph but Del Rio with the Shoulder Tackle. Universal into a Del Rio Hip Toss. Del Rio with a Yakuza Kick for a two count. Dolph with a wicked Dropkick for a 1 count. Dolph stomped the chest and arm of Del Rio. Corner Splash by Dolph for a two count. Del Rio with a hard kick and a series of punches. Running Enziguri to the arm of Ziggler. Dolph blocked a Suplex and hit his own. Another 2 count.

Dolph with a flurry of right hands. Del Rio reversed a Whip and spun Dolph into the ropes. 9 shots to the kidneys and then a Back Stabber. Dolph flew out to the floor and Jack Swagger came out with Zeb Colter. Del Rio wasn’t happy to see Swagger and Zeb. Jack got in Big E’s face and warned Big E to not even think about touching Zeb. Zeb and Jack joined the announce team. Raw took another break.

Dolph had a Rear Chin Lock cinched in, tight. Del Rio with hard punches and a Sunset Flip for two. Dolph missed one Dropkick but connected with a second one. Repeated Elbow Drops by Dolph. 2 count, again. Modified Kokina Clutch by Dolph but Del Rio would not submit. Del Rio punched Dolph’s knee. Jawbreaker by Del Rio. High Flop Drop by Dolph. Del Rio missed an Enziguri but did connect on the landing with the rolling body of Dolph. Flying Arm Breaker by Del Rio. Dolph spun out of the Cross Armbeaker into the Rolling Neckbreaker. Dolph climbed the ropes but Del Rio hit the ropes. Reverse Superplex. That was just impressive.

Del Rio punched away but Dolph connected with another Rolling Neckbreaker. Dolph missed a Corner Splash. Del Rio with a series of Clothesline and a Tilt-a-Whirl Backbreaker. Superkick to the face. 1-2-no. Del Rio called for the Cross Armbreaker. Del Rio got it after a reversal and re-reversal. A.J. distracted the ref and Big E pulled Del Rio out of the ring and threw him into Swagger. Swagger ran Big E into a post and then went after Del Rio. Swagger got a ladder. Ricardo tried to attack but Jack used the ladder to run Ricardo into the barrier. Jack got in the ring and attacked both Dolph and Del Rio with it.

Your Winner (by DQ): Alberto Del Rio
Raw Ranking: 3.0

Cole had more photos of Lesnar and Heyman at WWE HQ. Yawn.

Michael Cole sent it to a video about the new partnership between WWE and Yahoo. There will be a new pre-show before Raw. This whole thing kicks off during the summer of 2013.

Kaitlyn and the Funkadactyls were talking when Kaitlyn got a text from her “Mystery Admirer”. Naomi and Cameron are worried about who the person is. Batalya had an idea. She asked Great Khali to find out who the admirer is. Kaitlyn said Khali used to be a cop in India. The Bellas came out and clapped hands. I think something is up with that whole thing.

The Shield came out to a good reaction from the crowd.

Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns vs Jimmy and Jey Uso and Kofi Kngston
Six Man Tag Team Match

Jimmy and Dean to open the match. Collar and Elbow to the corner. Dean with hard fists and some serious trash talking. Jimmy with Back Elbows and a Scoop Slam. Jimmy stomped Dean in the face and tagged in to his brother. Rollins flew off the top rope an took a punch on the landing. Scoop Slam by jey. Flying Headbutt by Jey.Tag to Roman. Roman just annihilated his cousin, Jey. Roman, you see, is the son of Wild Samoan Sika. Flying Forearm by Roman and a tag to Dean and then Seht. Flying Dropkicks all over the place. Seth with a Rear Chin Lock. Jey was thrown into the corner and stomped. Tag to Dean. The two traded fists and knees. Tag to Roman. Suplex for a two count for Roman. JBL compared the Shield to the Freebirds. I can see it. Roman as Gordy. Dean as Hayes and Seth as Buddy Jack.

Seth tagged in and clamped on a Rear Chin Lock. Jey pushed towards his corner but got stopped cold. Scoop Slam by Seth. Seth with a hard slap to the face. Samoan Drop by Jey. Kofi and Dean both tagged in. Controlled Frenzy by Kofi. Dean with a Knee Strike. Kofi took out Roman and then nailed the Boom Drop on Dean. Kofi wanted Trouble in Paradise but had to settle for a pair of Pendulu, Kicks. Crossbody off the top but Roman made the save. Things broke down into a Mosh Pit. Roman hit an amazing Clothesline, on the floor, to one of the Usos. Seth pushed Kofi off the top rope. Dean with his Inverted DDT/Face Plant. I’d call that “Justice Served”. I love that move.

Your Winners: The Shield
Raw Ranking: 2.5

Antonio Cesaro vs Zack Ryder

Raw looked back at last week’s Main Event. Cesaro and Kofi Kingston had an incredible match. After the match, Kofi was attacked, in the hallway, by Cesaro. Cesaro ripped out one of Kofi’s dreadlocks. Ouch!

Kneelift and European Uppercut by Cesaro. Scoop Slam by Cesaro into a Double Stomp. Gut Wrench Throw by Cesaro. Cesaro threw Zack into the corner and punched and kicked away. Snap Suplex into a Float Over Pin. Rear Chin Lock. Zack came back with a Missile Dropkick. Flying European Uppercut by Cesaro. Neutralizer.

Your Winner: Antonio Cesaro
Raw Ranking: 2.0

Cesaro wondered if that was all the competition that he WWE had to offer. Cesaro said there was no one in the WWE Universe that could hold a candle to his abilities.

Michael Cole sent it to video footage of Brock and Heyman entering the WWE headquarters. Paul was being set for his interview. That was up next.

Paul Heyman rambled on, as usual, about how great Brock Lesnar is. Heyman showed video of their “Self Guided Tour” of Brock and Paul at the offices of WWE. This was a long, boring bit of video footage. They intimidated as many people as they could. Once they got to HHH’s office, they tore the place up.

HHH came out to the arena and told Paul that Heyman knew HHH was at Raw. He said he had two offices: the one that Brock destroyed and the wrestling ring. HHH said he tore through the “Attitude Era” with an Iron Fist and he also knocked Brock out cold at Wrestlemania. HHH said everyone knew that HHH would be at Raw, not at his office. Paul started to say something but HHH told him to “Shut Up!”. HHH said in his “other office”, he fights back.

A.J. Lee and the Bella Twins vs Kaitlyn, Naomi and Camerson (The Funkadactyls)

Cole sent it to a video piece about Total Divas, the new show that starts in the summer. Honestly, I just can’t see wasting my Sunday nights watching that waste of time. I seriously don’t do Reality Shows. Not the Gene Simmons show, definitely that crappy Honey Boo Boo mess or anything like it. Give me a good cooking show or something about space exploration.

A.J. took down Cameron, just after the bell rang. Funk Neckbreakers by A.J.. A.J. blew a kiss to Kaitlyn. A.J. pulled Cameron by the hair, bringing out a high pitched squeal. A.J. with a modified Shinu Numaki. Cameron fought back, a little. A.J. missed a Corner Splash and got laid out with a Clothesline. Crossbody by Cameron.

Tag to Kaitlyn. A.J. tried to bck off but slapped Kaitlyn in the face. A.J. went for a tag but the Bellas wouldn’t have any part of it. Spear by Kaitlyn.

Your Winners: Funkadactyls and Kaitlyn
Raw Ranking: .01

Mark Henry strolled backstage. He had something to get off his enormous chest, next.

Raw ran another promo for the anti-bully campaign.

Mark Henry plodded his way down to the ringside area. Mark talked about Sheamus coming to the ring, in a few moments. Mark said Sheamus acts tough but Mark is tough. Mark got fed up with the crowd’s “What” chant. Raw looked at the various attacks between Sheamus and Mark Henry. Mark wanted to battle Sheamus at Extreme Rules. He started to say he had a special wing of the Hall of Pain for Sheamus but the Irishman’s music cut him off.

Sheamus said Mark left half the videos out. Sheamus then showed the tug-o-war from last week. Sheamus laid out Mark with a Brogue Kick. On Smckdown, Sheamus blasted Mark during their arm wrestling contest. Sheamus hit another Brogue Kick. Mark warned Sheamus that he better be serious about him at Extreme Rules. Sheamus said he was all about business when the bell rings. Mark was ready to fight, right now. They were interrupted by the arrival of Wade Barrett.

Wade Barrett vs Sheamus
Non-Title Match

Wade had Sheamus in a Side Headlock. Cole and Mark Henry got into it. He accused Cole of being “ate up with stupid”. Kneelift by Sheamus. Every time Cole tried to speak, Mark yelled at him. Crossfaces, on the ropes, by Sheamus. Sheamus knocked Wade off the apron. Sheamus faked throwing Wade into Mark. Mark tumbled over in his chair. Sheamus laid him out with a Brogue Kick. Back in the ring, Sheamus with the Battering Ram. 2 count. Sheamus wanted the Cloverleaf but Wade with a Small Package. Wade with the Winds of Change. Wade went for Wasteland but Sheamus converted it into the Irish Curse Backbreaker. The medics checked on Mark Henry. Sheamus missed the Brogue Kick to Wade. Wade with a pair of sharp kicks. 1-2-no. Wade set up for the Bull Hammer Elbow. Sheamus dodged it and hit White Noise. Sheamus psyched himself up and nailed the Brogue Kick.

Your Winner: Sheamus
Raw Ranking: 2.75

After the match, Mark Henry hit the ring with a belt. He strapped Sheamus like a red headed step-child. Mark talked serious trash as he continued to lash Sheamus with the belt. Mark said he would whip Sheamus like he stole something. World’s Strongest Slam…on the floor.

Next Monday, Fandango and Chris Jericho will battle…in a Dance Off. Seriously? GO BACK TO TWO HOURS!

Cole sent it back to the footage of the Invasion of WWE HQ.

Kane vs Ryback

The two locked up and Ryback pushed Kane back. Face Wash by Ryback. Spear by Kane into a Side Headlock. Ryback with Shoulder Thrusts in the corner. Tilt-a-Whirl Slam by Kane. Big Kick and La Bandera Clothesline by Kane. Kane pulled Ryback to the outside. Ryback pitched Kane into the barrier. Raw went to break? Jeez.

Ryback went for a pin but only got a two. Scoop Slam and Splash by Ryback. 2 count, again. Front Face Lock by Ryback. Whip by Ryback but Kane with the Back Elbow. Thesz Pres by Ryback, who then slammed Kane’s head into the canvas. Big Boot by Kane. Goozle by Kane but Ryback broke the grip. Uppercut and kick by Kane led to a Flying DDT. 2 count, yet again. Corner Clotheslines and Whips by Kane. Spinebuster by Ryback. Kane blocked Shell Shocked and hit a Suplex. Kane went to the top but got caught. Kane fought to knock Ryback down. Ryback hithte ropes and Kane landed hard. Ryback took Kane off the ropes to hit Shell Shocked.

Your Winner: Ryback
Raw Ranking: 2.5

Immediately after the match, The Shield came from out of the crowd. Daniel Bryan rushed down to help Kane. Ryback bailed out of the ring. John Cena rushed from the back to aid the tag champs. Kane was completely out. It looked like a two on one war. Ryback came in with a steel chair. He attacked Cena with it!

Fade out as Ryback bellowed “Ryback Rules!”


–Jay Shannon

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