This week’s Raw (#999) came from my old stomping grounds, Las Vegas, NV. My buddy, Tony J., was sitting right behind Cole and Lawler (lucky bum).
Roll the opening montage!
It was announced that John Cena won the Raw/WWE Title Money in the Bank Briefcase.
C.M. Punk arrived to a monster pop from the Vegans. Punk quiped that, while he is straight-edged, he loved Las Vegas (ah, love those Foley Pops). Punk retained his WWE title, over Daniel Bryan, on Sunday. Punk talked about “Dropping a Pipe Bomb”, one year ago, and started a revolution. He felt he has proven that he is the best in the world. Punk said the “Very confused referee” couldn’t figure out if she was with or against him. Punk thought about the very first episode of Raw, back in January of 1993. He knew that a wrestler with his looks and attitude would have never gotten a spot on the show, way back then. He definitely would not have been in his eighth month as WWE Champ…
Enter the Big Show. Show lumbered down the ramp and clapped for Punk. Show almost won the Money in the Bank briefcase, but the handle broke and John Cena ended up with it. Show mocked Punk’s speech. Show said he was inches away from winning the MitB Briefcase. “Big Show Sucks!” rang out. Show told the crowd that they were rude and he was trying to make a point. Show said Cena just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Show said if he had won the briefcase, he would have cashed it in, right away, and taking the title. Punk reminded Show that “almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades”. He pushed the fact that Show lost. Punk said Show probably should be Mr. Money in the Bank…but he lost. Punk said he was half Show’s size and he still has the title and respect. Show laughed at the concept of the fans having respect for Punk. Show said if Punk were to leave the WWE, tomorrow, they would forget him in a week. Show couldn’t care less that the fans didn’t care or respect him. Show told Punk that Punk was just another cog in the machine. Punk corrected Show that he was the WWE Champ and Show was a bitter, underachieving shell of a man that happens to be a giant. Show explained to Punk that John Cena just might cash in after Show beats Punk. Show did the Pipe Bomb Mic Drop to slap Punk in the face, so to speak.
Youtube.com is running the very first episode of Raw. Rock will be at Raw 1000, as will Brock Lesnar and D-X. Backstage, Kofi Kingston and R-Truth walked with (imaginary) Lil Jimmy. Their tag belts were on the line…next.
Fans were given the chance to vote for either the US, Intercontinental or Diva championship to be defended on Raw 1000.
Kofi Kingston and R-Truth vs Prime Time Players (Titus O’Neil and Darren Young) w/ AW
WWE Unified Tag Team Title Match
A.W. was wearing his wireless microphone. He did the extended intro for his team. Cole talked about how Titus and Darren lost, on Sunday, to Primo and Epico. A.W. got a drink in his face from the tag champs. A.W. rambled on throughout the entire match. Kofi and Titus to start. Titus pounded on Kofi and laid out Kofi with an Uppercut. Darren took the tag and choked Kofi in the corner. Kofi started to fight back and nailed a Dropkick.
Tag to R-Truth intno a Double Hip Toss. Truth with a Dancing Legdrop. Kofi tagged back in and Kofi with a Crossbody off the ropes. 1-2-no. Kofi took out Titus. The tag champs with Dual Baseball Slides to send Darren to the floor. Kofi with a Springboard (off Truth’s back) into a Tope Con Hilo. Raw went to break.
Darren with a Go Behind but Kofi broke free. He got a shot in on Titus, as well. Kofi with a Sunset Flip but Darren had tagged out. Bear Hug by Titus. Headbutt by Titus. Titus clubbed Kofi’s neck and back. Tag to Darren. Darren slid out of the ring and A.W> used a pic comb to fix up Darren’s afro. R-Truth got the tag and went wild. He hit a somewhat-botched DDT on Titus. Truth with a Clothesline to send Darren over the ropes. Titus went to the ropes, to check on his partner, and got blasted with Kofi’s Trouble in Paradise. Truth with the Lil Jimmy Jam (Facing the Truth).
Your Winners: R-Truth and Kofi Kingston
Grade: B (84%)
A.W. went off on the ref, claiming the zebra wasn’t doing his job. He accused him of being “blinder than Stevie Wonder”.
In the back, A.J. was texting on her phone. Daniel Bryan came up and apologized for all the bad stuff that he has said since Wrestlemania. He understood that he has been making her the scapegoat and he was ready to admit…
Eve Torres walked up and said she protested the match from last week. Eve will get to pick her own partner to face A.J. and Daniel. She called A.J. a “b*tch” without using the actual word. Daniel said he had something special to tell A.J., after they win their match. He then kissed her on the cheek.
Next Monday, Raw expands to three hours, each and every wek.
Raw pushed the new Tout Social Media outlet. I’ve barely gotten the hang of Facebook and now they keep throwing new ones out there. Cole and Lawler showed Cena’s very first Tout message
Zack Ryder vs Alberto Del Rio
Del Rio was in a foul mood, after losing to Sheamus on Sunday. He didn’t ride out in a slick ride. He stomped down to the ring and looked disgusted at his opponent. Del Rio tore into Zack with punches and kicks.
BY THE WAY, COLE, THE STATE IS PRONOUNCED “NUH-VA-DUH” NOT “NUH-VAH-DUH”. GOOF.
Zack got his boot up and tried to punch and kick. Flying Armbreaker by Del Rio. He then choked Zack with the leg. They went to the floor and Del Rio slammed Zack’s arm into the ring steps. Zack rushed Del Rio’s back into the ring apron. Back in the ring, Del Rio shoved Zack into the ring post and clamped on the Cross Armbreaker.
Your Winner: Alberto Del Rio
Grade: C+ (78%)
After the match, Rey Mysterio made his return to attack Del Rio. Alberto kept screaming “Perro” (Dog). Rey kicked the stuffing out of Del Rio, including nailing the 6.1.9.! Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez bailed out and went about halfway up the ramp. Cole and Lawler praised Rey’s abilities.
Heath Slater went into Raw Memories and showed all his dealings with Legends. He put a major spin on all his losses, in recent weeks. Slater seriously got his butt handed to him, in the last few weeks. The only Legend he has beaten was Doink, version 7 or 8 (I’ve lost count). Slater has another Legend to face. He gets to meet up with someone that I’ve actually met…in Vegas.
Heath Slater vs ?
Heath started to ramble but was cut off by the music of his opponent…Rikishi!
Heath Slater vs Rikishi
It was back in 1994, while living in Vegas, that I met ‘Kishi at Mahoney’s Silver Nugget. He scared the willies out of an 80+ year old woman when he asked her where the bathroom was. Still one of my favorite wrestling stories.
Rikishi has lost quite a bit of weight. Cole talked about him being related to the various Samoans, including his sons, Jey and Jimmy Uso. Slater with a Go Behind and slap. Thrust Kick by Rikishi. Stink Face! Samoan Spike by Rikishi into the Banzai Drop (tribute to cousin, Yokozuna).
Your Winner: Rikishi
Grade: B- (80%)
After the match, the lights went out. When they came back up, Jimmy and Jey joined their dad in the ring. The trio danced to the delight of the great fans. This was awesome!
Ever Torres and ? vs Daniel Bryan and A.J.
Mixed Tag Team Match
Eve came out and then brought out her partner…The Miz.
Eve Torres and The Miz vs Daniel Bryan and A.J.
Mixed Tag Team Match
Miz has a wickedly cool new ring robe.Daniel seems to be going into a Face Turn. A.J. then bounced down to the ring. This was your Hour Turner Match of the Week. The guys started the fight. DSide Headlock by Daniel. They moved to the corner and Miz missed a Cheap Shot. Daniel with repeated kicks to Miz’s chest. Miz with the Kitchen Sink off the Reversed Irish Whp. Running Boot by Miz sent Daniel into his corner. A.J. made the tag. Eve came in and stomped the waif’s mid-section. 2 count. Eve choked A.J. on the ropes. Eve with the Flying Choke in the corner. A.J. with a Forearm Shot, Kick and Leg Lariat. Shining Wizard by A.J. Miz distracted the ref. Dropkick by A.J. to Miz. Miz grinned at A.J. Small Package by Eve, rolled over by Daniel Bryan!
Your Winners: A.J. and Daniel Bryan
Grade: C (74%)
Following the match, Daniel popped the question and A.J. said yes. Daniel finally told A.J. that he loved her. After she accepted, they smooched and Daniel got the crowd into “Yes/No” chants.
Raw ran a promo for the new Undertaker: The Streak DVD. I want to thank my “Brother”, Joe, for Best of Clash of the Champions. He sent it to me for my birthday and it is incredible. The Streak has all 20 of Undertaker’s Wrestlemania matches. I will SO add that to my collection, eventually.
Raw went to another Most Memorable Moments. It was when The Rock stole “Stone Cold” Steve Austin’s “Smokin’ Skull” belt. Rock threatened to pitch the belt into the river. Rock sent Austin into the river and then tossed the belt in after him.
Daniel Bryan sent out a tweet saying that they would be getting married on Raw 1000. Sigh.
Jack Swagger vs Ryback
Jack jumped Ryback, before the bell. Jack with hard punches and kicks. Gut Wrench Powerbomb by Jack. Swagger Bomb! The bell had not sounded, at this point. Jack tried for the Ankle Lock but Ryback kicked out. Jack tried for a second Ankle Lock but Ryback kicked free. Huge Clothesline, a Spinebuster and a series of Powerbombs. Ryback kicked Jack out of the ring.
Your Winner: Match Never Started
“Feed Me More!” rang out from both Ryback and the crowd. I feel that Ryback has become this generation’s Goldberg. Cole and Lawler sent it to another Tout from John Cena. He showed off his Money in the Bank Briefcase. He said he had a huge announcement regarding the briefcase, later in the night.
Vickie “Banshee” Guerrero brought out Dolph Ziggler. He won the World (Smackdown) Money in the Bank Briefcase. Dolph almost cashed in, last night but Alberto Del Rio got cranky about it. Dolph talked about every Money in the Bank owner cashing in, successfully. He knew that he was going to be the next World Champion. Dolph said he would be better than Bret Hart, Stone Cold, or The Rock. Vickie screeched after everything Dolph said.
Chris Jericho got fed up and came out to shut up the Show Off. Everyone was glad to see Jericho. Dolph cut off Jericho before he started to speak. Dolph refused to let Jericho steal his spotlight. Dolph made fun of all of Jericho’s recent losses and the fact that he has never won a Money in the Bank. Dolph wanted to know when Jericho last won a big match. Jericho remained stone faced as Dolph dug his grave deeper. Dolph taunted Jericho about all the claims of being great. He called Jericho a loser. Dolph said Jericho has been given more main events and title shots than anyone else. Dolph said Jericho was all hype. Dolph wanted to know when Jericho last won an important match. Dolph suggested that Jericho was losing his touch. Jericho answered…with a Code Breaker! Vickie freaked out at her downed man. “Y2J” rang out. Jericho left as his music echoed off the walls.
Raw looked at a few Touts from the fans about favorite Raw Moment. I think my favorite, while it was a sad one, was the night that everyone paid tribute to Eddie Guerrero. The Owen Hart tribute is a close second.
Raw ran down the list of Legends and others that will be at Raw 1000. It was then time to get…Funky! Cameron and Naomi came out in green and gold. They were joined by Brodus Clay in his white and green jumpsuit.
Brodus Clay vs JTG
JTG has a new look.Traditional tights and boots and a goofy robe. Clay shoved JTG down. He then Stone Walled JTG. Clay with a shot to the ribs and Kneelift. Fisherman’s Suplex into a nasty Legdrop. Whip tot he corner but JTG got the boots up. JTG went after the bad knee of Clay. JTG kicked Clay in the head and mocked him. Clay tried to punch but JTG with a Front Face Lock. Clay got up but a Dropkick to the bad knee slowed him down. Crossbody by JTG led to another Fisherman’s Suplex. Headbutt into the Jurassic Splash!
Your Winner: Brodus Clay
Grade: C (75%)
The kids were in the ring to dance with the Funkasaurus and the Funkadactyls.
Another Most Memorable Moments segment. It was Donald Trump talking about the bald Vince McMahon. It was April 2, 2007 and he came out in a fedora hat. Bobby Lashley came out and snatched the hat and towel off his head. Vince hid under Lilian Garcia’s skirt, until Bobby ripped it off. Thank you, Bobby. Not for showing off the bald skull but Lilian’s legs. Smile.
Raw ran the hilarious Vince McMahon commercial about Raw going to three hours and starting at 8. The D-X Reunion will happen, right at 8, next week.
C.M. Punk vs Big Show
Lawler got a great joke in about people having Fee-Fi-Phobia (Fear of Angry Giants). Punk ducked and dodged Show. Punk with sharp kcicks to Show’s leg. Show caught Punk and punched the shoulder. Punk with kicks and punches but was stopped cold by a Headbutt. Open Hand Slap to Punk’s chest. Show with a Steam Roller to lay out Punk. Show stood on Punk’s back. Show went to the floor and slapped Punk’s chest. Show punched and slapped Punk. He slid in and out of the ring to break the count. Punk shoved Show into the corner post. Back in the ring, Show got blasted by almost a dozen sharp kicks. He rebounded with a Headbutt to drop Punk. Show with a punch to Punk’s ribs. Show with a Boot Choke. Punk flew off the ropes but got caught. Show with a Slam. Show started punching Punk’s ribs, over and over. Show screamed that no one could beat him, one on one. Punk jumped on Show’s back and cinched in a Sleeper.
Show stumbled around and converted the Sleeper into a Side Slam. Show was seriously winded. Show went up to the middle ropes and tried for a Swagger/Vader Bomb. He missed. Punk with a kick right to Show’s nose. Punk with four Clotheslines but couldn’t take the giant down. Show with a huge Back Body Drop. Show cocked his fists and drew back. He missed but Punk hit an Enziguri. Punk with numerous Elevator Knees. Show shoved out of the Bulldog but missed a Corner Splash. Punk went to the top and nailed the Savage Elbow! 1-2-no way.
Punk with a Springboard into a nasty Chokeslam. 1–2–foot on the bottom rope. Show with a Claw into the hurt ribs of Punk. Show with repeated punches to the ribs. The ref tried to stop the assault but got shoved aside. The ref called for the bell.
Your WInner (by DQ): C.M. Punk
Grade: B (84%)
John Cena ran down with the briefcase, after Show beat on Punk. Show stepped out of the ring and Cena asked for the house mic. The fans were sure that Cena was going to cash in. Cena said he had a huge announcement about the briefcase. Show stopped him to try and tell everyone that Cena was ready to cash in, right away. Show climbed up on the apron. Show talked about the belt being the one that Cena designed. Show urged Cena to cash in. He told Cena that the fans didn’t respect Cena or anyone else. Show said this could be Cena’s easiest title win. Cena said he wouldn’t do it. He gave Punk a week to get ready. Cena challenged Punk to a match at Raw 1000! Cena said he would cash in at R1K. Show kept telling Cena to cash in. Cena said his huge announcement for tonight was…cracking Show in the skull with the case (which he did). Show was laid out cold. Punk held up his title belt. Cena raised the briefcase.
–Jesse “Jay” Shannon